Conflict is a normal human phenomenon. We become aware of conflict when there is a clash between individuals or groups. Differences butt up against one another. The clash may be over positions taken, things, ideas, relationships, events, actions, interpretations, policies or norms.
Some clashes are over minor things. Either one person changes or both change somewhat, to come to a compromise or a new position with which both are satisfied. However, some clashes prove to be particularly emotional and hard to deal with.
Whenever there are strong emotions expressed in a clash, there is evidence that not only underlying issues—memories, interests, desires, imagination—are present, but that personal identities are on the line. Identity has to do with the core of who we are. It is derived from relations with other people: those like us with whom we form an identity group, and those who are different and become the “other.”
At the level of identity there is a polarization between us and them. At an extreme, the “other” becomes dehumanized and demonized. The identity rift may be based on structures of domi-nance, different beliefs and values, gender definitions, ethnicity, faith or religion. It entails conflicting ways of meeting identity needs for meaning, action, connectedness, security and recognition. When these are threatened, we may feel anger, depression, sadness, fear or shame.
Let us look at the issue of sexual minorities and the church, in order to see if these categories of analysis help to make sense of the dynamics:
• Possible memories: “I remember a church being split over issues.” “I remember homosexuals who had to leave the church because they felt excluded.” “I remember having questions about my own sexuality.” “I remember stories of homosexual abuse.” “I remember knowing loving, creative, spiritual people who happened to be homosexual.”
• Possible interests: “I have an interest in the church to be united.” “I have an interest in keeping the church in the conference.” “I have an interest in having the church filled with members.”
• Possible desires: “I desire a church that is inclusive.” “I desire a church that follows biblical teaching.” “I desire to not be bothered by this issue.” “I desire peace and quiet.” “I desire a healthy debate or dialogue.”
• Possible imaginations: “I have some friends who will come to the church if my position is accepted.” “I know of people who will leave the church if my position is not accepted.” “I will not feel comfortable if my position is not accepted.”
The stakes may be higher for some than others, since it may affect their identity-need satisfiers:
• Meaning (including beliefs, values and sense of justice): “This is an issue of justice, fairness, love and compassion.” “This is an issue of biblical interpretation.” “This affects my core understanding of what it means to be a Christian and to follow Christ.”
• Connectedness: “It tears me up to feel alienated from my friends over this.” “People I feel close to are suffering because they cannot be open about who they are.” “I fear a rift in the church.” “I would hate to see anyone leave over this.”
• Action: “It seems futile to expect change, I’ll just give up.” “I can’t say anything without being judged, so I might as well keep quiet.” “Why can’t they just leave it alone for a while?”
• Security: “What will happen to our church if there is a major conflict?” “People will get hurt.” “We have a hard time meeting our budget as it is.” “What if people leave?” “I am afraid to come out of the closet.”
• Recognition: “The others don’t respect me or my position.” “I feel judged for what I do and say.” “I said some things I wish I could take back so that I’ll be liked again.” “I feel misunderstood.”
When a conflict involves emotional hurt and underlying baggage there is a need to manage it well and to eventually adopt reconciliation as a process and a goal. Reconciliation is a big topic, but here are a few points to consider:
• Reconciliation starts with someone having a vision for reconciliation and receiving a mandate to do something to move in that direction. Sometimes practical gestures of goodwill—not necessarily even related to the issue—help move the process along.
• In dialogue we are attentive to the emotions of others and to our own emotional reactions. As we communicate compassionately we can identify underlying issues that might have links to identity.
• Emotional awareness can also lead to increased trust and sensitivity. Often when there is an exploration of underlying and identity issues one can see the complexity of the “other” and can find areas of shared interest, experience and desire.
• As imaginations and understandings are modified, positions can change or at least soften. One of the results of reconciliation is an in-breaking of the Spirit so parties experience love, joy, peace . . .
Vern Neufeld Redekop is a professor of conflict studies at St. Paul University, Ottawa.
--Posted August 13, 2014
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