Taking off the mask

‘Erin is a beautiful butterfly, testing her wings in what sometimes seems to be an unforgiving world,’ says Alma Wiebe of her transgender daughter



Childhood is all about the endless possibilities, the dreams that will come true if you wish hard enough.

Erin Wiebe’s childhood was no different in those ways. She knew if she wished hard enough, the dream of her outside appearance matching the way she saw herself would become a reality. Every night, Erin says she wished she would wake up a girl.

In fact, Erin was born with a gender variance: she is transgender, identifying as female, opposed to the male sex assigned to her at birth.

Being transgender wasn’t her choice, nor was it a result of the way she was raised. Scientific evidence presented in a 2008 BBC online story maintains that people experience gender variances because of genetic differences, brain structure and function, and exposure to certain hormones in utero.

“Like you, my gender identity is an innate, fixed part of who I am,” Erin says. “I can do no more to change it than I can my race.”

On her 15th birthday, everything changed for Erin. She recalls being at her grandparents’ home in Alberta. She woke up on a Sunday morning to her family getting ready for church. She stepped in the shower and realized her dreams wouldn’t come true.

“I was 15 and terrified of what male puberty was doing to my body. I began to resign myself to the harsh reality that had suddenly replaced my childhood innocence,” she says. “I was trapped in this body. I would never wake up the next morning in the body that I needed. No amount of wishing would change the situation, and I began to hate myself.”

Erin says she wore a metaphorical mask, hiding her true identity and projecting a false self that was more socially acceptable in her community, for the better part of her life. In fact, she didn’t tell anyone about her struggle until she was nearly 40.

“I made the decision to forever lock that part of me away because there was nothing I could do about it,” she says. “I was ashamed and I felt that everyone would think I was a pervert or something. I was so afraid. For all I knew, I was the only one in the world that felt this way.”

Love and marriage

Even when Erin met a woman, fell in love and got married, she didn’t reveal her true self to anyone, not even herself. Erin met her wife when she was 16. They got married when Erin was 20 and had a child together.

“When I got married, I thought, ‘If I try, maybe I can manage to be what she needs me to be and what society expects of me,’” she says, but she couldn’t.

Erin loved her wife and their son, but she suffered crippling depression. She had nobody to talk to about her gender crisis and difficulty accessing resources. This is common in the trans community.

Erin also realized she had a false impression of other trans people. “My own ideas about transgender people were highly skewed and ill informed,” she says. “I had no experience or exposure to others like me. I thought being trans was to be like drag queens: flamboyant and highly sexualized. They were the type of people you would see at Mardi Gras, not walking down the street. I soon realized I had many of my own trans-phobic issues to work through if I was to explore my gender identity authentically.”

“I was so ashamed. I didn’t want to risk everything by telling my wife,” she says.

Erin’s bouts of depression intensified and became more frequent. They became so bad that she isolated herself and contemplated suicide nearly every day.

One day, Erin saw a group of high school girls talking and laughing with each other. “I suddenly realized I’d never experience the freedom these girls enjoyed and took so much for granted. To simply be yourself, to laugh and enjoy yourself effortlessly with a group of friends. I fell apart inside. I broke down and wept. I knew then that I was at a point where I either had to do something about it or I was afraid I would just go out on the highway and drive into oncoming traffic. I was so close.”

Coming out

Finally, Erin worked up the courage to do something about it.

It was 2010. Erin put her son to bed and sat her wife down to talk. “I told her, ‘I’m transgender.’ I thought if I presented all the evidence in the right way, we could get through it,” she says. The couple went to counselling and therapy, but there was no reconciling the relationship.

Erin’s parents, Art and Alma, who are members of Bethel Mennonite Church in Winnipeg, say they didn’t have any idea that she was suffering from a gender-identity crisis. It was a complete shock when she came out to them when she was 38.

“I had no idea how they were going to respond,” Erin says. “My mom said, ‘You mean you’re a woman trapped in a man’s body? . . . What can we do to support you?’”

Art says they never had the closest relationship with Erin but never understood why. “Imagine misdiagnosing the real gender of your own child,” he says. “Now that the mask is off, we are proud parents to a daughter we can finally embrace. We’ve always misunderstood her,” he says.

Metamorphosis

For trans people, hormone therapy is one of the first steps in the process of transitioning into one’s true self. The same was true for Erin after she came out to her family.

She eased into it by taking testosterone blockers and small doses of estrogen.

“It’s a rather strange experience to go through a second puberty at 38,” she says. “This time, it was the right puberty. My skin softened, my breasts were growing and I grew my hair out. But more importantly, I felt an inner calm I’d never known before.”

Obvious changes to secondary sex characteristics aside, Erin says equally important psychological changes were taking place.

Before she began taking estrogen, she says paying attention was very difficult.

“It was like standing on one side of a busy road and trying to hear a bird sing,” she says. “Everything I did demanded all of my attention and all of my energy. A few months after starting hormone replacement therapy, I realized I was able to focus my thoughts in a way I was never able to before.”

“The dysphoria I felt was beginning to ease and as my mind relaxed, the noise in my head quietened. It felt as though the traffic had ceased and I could hear the bird without effort or strain.”

The pieces started to come together, but there were still problems.

Erin says there was also a gap between how she imagined herself and how she looked. Her masculine-looking face was especially difficult for her to look at. “I would shower in the dark, shave in the dark to avoid looking at myself,” she says.

For Erin, it was important to correct the incongruence she felt between mind and body before feeling comfortable presenting herself to the world in an authentic way. In 2013, she travelled with her parents to Thailand to undergo facial feminization surgery. And in 2014 she underwent sexual reassignment surgery in Montreal, again with her parents by her side.

“I often think of Erin as a butterfly,” Alma says. “Erin is a beautiful butterfly, testing her wings in what sometimes seems to be an unforgiving world.”

The need for support

Throughout the process, Art and Alma attended Bethel Mennonite Church and participated in its Pilgrim Group, a support group for lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender/queer (LGBTQ) people and their families and friends. In turn, they found the strength to support their daughter through her transition process of taking off a proverbial mask.

Erin, who has not felt comfortable in the Mennonite church for many years, compares her transition to being a prisoner who has been kept in solitary confinement for her whole life. “Suddenly one day the jailer unlocks the door and says, ‘Here, you’re free to go,’” she says. “To the prisoner who hasn’t known anything other than a life lived in a horrible dark cell, how would they know how to go out and explore the world like everyone else?”

While Mennonite Church Canada is currently discerning issues of sexuality through its Being a Faithful Church process, Art and Alma believe that people suffering from gender crises need particular support.

“I feel it’s imperative that the church learns to treat transgender people, as well as homosexual people, as normal human beings who happen to have a birth variance,” Alma says. “They need to be accepted, affirmed, loved and encouraged in life, just like anyone else.”

“Our diversity isn’t an ethical or moral issue,” Erin says. “It’s just what is.”

By the numbers

  • 0.3 percent of Americans self-identify as trans, according to a 2011 report by the Williams Institute.
  • In 2011, Egale Canada Human Rights Trust released “Every Class in Every School.” Trans students consistently reported the highest rates of harassments: 74 percent said they had been verbally harassed because of their gender identity, while 49 percent said they had been sexually harassed, and 37 percent said they had been physically harassed.
  • 43 percent of trans people surveyed contemplate suicide, according to Trans Pulse, an ongoing community-based research project in Ontario’s trans population.

Key terms

Facial feminization surgery: A set of reconstructive surgical procedures that alter typically male facial features to bring them closer in shape and size to typical female facial features.

Gender: Refers to the personal sexual identity of an individual, regardless of the person’s biological and outward sex.

Gender dysphoria: The formal diagnosis used by psychologists and psychiatrists to describe people who experience significant discontent with the sex they were assigned at birth or the gender roles associated with that sex.

Gender variant: A person who varies from the expected characteristics of the assigned gender.

Sex: A categorization based on the appearance of the genitalia at birth.

Sex reassignment surgery: The surgical procedure by which a person’s physical appearance and function of his/her existing sexual characteristics are altered to resemble that of the other sex.

Transgender (or Trans): A term for those who identify with a gender other than the sex they were assigned at birth.



14 Responses to “Taking off the mask”

  1. Jessie Hetherington Avatar
    Jessie Hetherington

    Diversity
    Thank you,CM,for publishing these real life stories about LGBTQ individuals and their families. We need to hear them.

  2. Matt Froese Avatar
    Matt Froese

    Thank you
    Sharing so deeply takes a great deal of courage. Thank you for trusting us with your story.

  3. Barbara Burkard Avatar
    Barbara Burkard

    Thank God!
    I thank God for Alma and Art! May parents like that keep growing in number. And may the church learn from their example.

  4. Elena helmuth Avatar
    Elena helmuth

    Transgender child
    As a parent of a female to male Transgender child I appreciate your courage in telling your story and wish your family happiness as you journey on.
    My experience has been that there will always be those who don’t have a understanding of what Gender dysphoria is and until you walk through this experience with your loved one it will be so.
    Thanks again

  5. Val Wood Avatar
    Val Wood

    Beautiful
    What a beautiful testimony of God’s love! Art and Alma, you are wonderful parents! Erin, you are a beautiful and courageous woman.

  6. Myrna Sawatzky Avatar
    Myrna Sawatzky

    And the Greatest is Love
    Thank you for sharing your story of love for your daughter Art and Elma. I am happy to have you and Erin as a part of my family. May we all love first as God did. Amen

  7. Grace Klassen Avatar
    Grace Klassen

    Thanks for Sharing
    Thank you for sharing your experience with us! It takes courage, love, and faith to open up about such a personal experience, but I know that your words will make a dramatic difference to others who are also struggling with transgender and other difficult personal issues!

  8. Walter & Edith Braun Avatar
    Walter & Edith Braun

    A wonderful example
    Thank you for publishing this article on how a family overcame a life-threatening crisis through strong support from family and a support group in their church. You have given us a wonderful example of what it means to welcome, accept and affirm and encourage all persons regardless of their gender. We hope that this example will continue to inform us as we go through the process of Being a Faithful Church.

  9. Ezra Miller Avatar
    Ezra Miller

    How is this biblical or Menonite?
    There was no mention of God or Jesus, not even the Bible. Those are the foundations of the Mennonite faith as I understand it.

  10. Jason Crites Avatar
    Jason Crites

    Gender Ideology Trend in Question
    The current trend in gender ideology is not consistent with biblical hermeneutics, nor by credible biological and psychological studies. I have studied all three subjects at a master’s level.
    Here is one such article by The American College of Pediatrics, jointly written by three medical doctors, including the President of the American College of Pediatrics.
    http://www.acpeds.org/the-college-speaks/position-statements/gender-ideology-harms-children

  11. Tobian Penner Avatar
    Tobian Penner

    Discernment for Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
    I applaud this article for drawing light to the transgender and transsexual community. As part of being a faithful church, we need to take notice that gender issues regarding transsexualism and the transgender community are very different questions than those towards the homosexual community. Discernment for the homosexual community focuses on questions regarding marital relationships and sexual orientation, while the transgender community discernment is on gender identity.

  12. Art and Alma  Wiebe Avatar
    Art and Alma Wiebe

    Taking off the Mask by Rachel Bergen
    Thanks for your responses to Erin’s story. You have been generous and understanding. If you have wondered “How is this biblical or Mennonite?”, we ask you to consider the following.

    As straight Mennonite parents we are highly privileged. A simple introduction in almost any Mennonite church leads to a sense of community and belonging. However, 5% or more of all people are born something other than straight or cis-gender, and that includes our fellow Mennonites. They are also created in God’s image, but are born severely disadvantaged, as they will never be part of a large “critical mass” where they simply blend with all others. This is a major concern. Particularly as we presume to impose our social structures on them without regard to how poorly they fit. Would you tolerate pressured celibacy or being part of a mixed-orientation marriage?

    Our experience as parents has been enriched by meeting dozens of transgender folk, their parents and allies. Transgender Christian scriptural understandings are also eye-opening. For example, Matthew 19:12 and Acts 8:29-39 are as central to their sense of belonging in Christ’s church as Acts 10 – 11:18 is to Gentile Christians! Curiously, no church conference was needed to send the eunuch home rejoicing.

    The American College of Pediatricians web site was recommended in an earlier comment. If you go there, please also check The American Academy of Pediatrics. The ACP is a recent special interest group with strict entrance requirements unrelated to pediatrics, unlike the much older and larger AAP.

    See also MC Canada’s valuable new resource – http://www.commonword.ca/ResourceView/48/18395?watchVideo=1

    1. Ezra Miller Avatar
      Ezra Miller

      Matthew 19:12 is talking
      Matthew 19:12 is talking about eunuchs, castration (intentional or accidental), and/or voluntarily staying single, not transgenderism.

      Again, Acts 8:29-39 is talking about a eunuch, not a transgender. Acts 10-11:18 is not talking about transgenderism.

      1. Art Wiebe Avatar
        Art Wiebe

        Matt. 19:12
        You may well be right about what Matthew and Luke were talking about, Ezra. Wouldn’t we all love to interview them sometime to get more detail! They might have used our current “LGBTQ” instead of “eunuch,” had they been writing in 2016 for all we know. My point above had to do with what each of us brings to a text, and what we discover in it from our own vantage point. For me as a straight white guy, Acts 8 always seemed to be about missions, or just a human interest story. But when a transgender Christian friend identifies strongly with the “eunuch” and sees herself as acceptable to our Lord, we all have good reason to praise God. As St. Paul wrote in Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
        As we know all too well, O.T. eunuchs and modern LGBTQ folk face a lot of prejudice, and we need to remember that through the grace of Christ we are all equal before God.

Leave a Reply