Popular author, speaker and shame researcher Brené Brown once quipped, “You can’t swing a cat without hitting a narcissist.” She later apologized for the inhumane image conjured by the idiom, but she stood behind the underlying message. Many psychologists and social scientists agree: Narcissism is everywhere. Some are calling it an epidemic.
Narcissism is a complex subject and not altogether negative. Simply put, it refers to a personality trait. Everyone is on the narcissism scale, and most of us fluctuate where we are on the spectrum at different life stages. The narcissism personality trait is not to be confused with the clinical diagnosis “narcissistic personality disorder.” The narcissism I’m referring to in this article is the personality trait we all possess and can manage (to some degree).
A rise in narcissism was first observed in the 1950s, but it seems to be increasing exponentially. Two American academics, Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell, reported that narcissism increased by 30 percent in college students between 1980 and 2006. Narcissism scores have risen even faster since then, presumably with the advance of social media. People high in narcissism tend to have more friends and followers on social media platforms.
The narcissism epidemic means more people have a greater sense of entitled self-importance and believe they deserve special treatment. More people are convinced their beliefs and opinions are correct or superior, regardless of their knowledge, training or credentials in the subject, and they are less open to the perspectives of others. More people are hypersensitive, controlling and manipulative, and obsessed with image, status and popularity. More people overestimate their talents, abilities and likability, and expect others to recognize, affirm and praise them.
Narcissism is rooted in the belief that you are extraordinary. The problem is most of us cannot be extraordinary. By definition, most of us are ordinary. One factor in the rise of narcissism has been the over-use of praise in modern parenting. Studies have shown overpraising and overestimating our children doesn’t result in higher self-esteem. Rather, telling our children they are special and can do anything sets unrealistic expectations. It often results in increased anxiety and depression in young adults, as they wrestle with the possibility that they are not special. There is an acronym for this: FOBO (fear of being ordinary).
The rise of narcissism is as prevalent in the church as it is elsewhere. The antidote to elevated narcissism is humility, grace, connection and purpose. I believe the church has a significant role to play in teaching people how to cultivate these healing properties in our lives.
Humility is not thinking less of ourselves; it’s thinking of ourselves less by focusing on how we can contribute to God’s work of love, peace, justice and reconciliation in the world. Grace is found in being honest about our complicated lives, and accepting and loving ourselves and others as we are, in light of God’s unconditional love.
Connection is the result of experiencing a sense of belonging and togetherness with a group of people who genuinely love, support, encourage and challenge us, speaking truth in love—as tricky as this is. Purpose is found in discovering and manifesting our authentic self, as we honestly and humbly recognize and utilize our unique personalities, gifts, talents, interests, limitations and struggles to serve the greater good.
I don’t believe the church needs to beat people down and put them in their place by preaching a version of “worm theology”—the idea that in light of God’s holiness and power an appropriate response is a low view of self. People don’t need the church to grind them down. People high in narcissism can be difficult, annoying and even destructive, but it’s important to recognize that narcissism is rooted in fear and shame. Brené Brown defines narcissism as, “the shame-based fear of being ordinary.”
The liberating message of Christ is that everyone has value and a part to play in something bigger, a grand narrative that is divine and truly extraordinary. None of us has more intrinsic worth than others, but we are unique and have unique contributions to make to the greater good.
Our contributions may not be noticed, praised or affirmed by others. However, as we follow the way of Jesus and tune in to the Divine Spirit within us, we no longer depend on the praise and affirmation of others to find value, significance and meaning. It comes from within.
This is the freedom, joy, maturity and peace Christ offers.
Troy Watson is a pastor at Avon Church in Stratford, Ontario, and can be reached at troy@avonchurch.ca.
Read more Life in the Postmodern Shift columns:
Organic architecture
Let’s talk about spiritual experiences
Extending grace instead of lebelling enemies
Many Christians do not believe the Holy Spirit is real
The pendulum, Hegel and Christ
(Unsplash photo by Caroline Veronez)
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