Making space might save someone's life

Notice: This article mentions addiction, rape and abortion.

“I never thought I would set foot in another church.”

These were the opening words from Grace Ibrahima’s sermon at Rockway Mennonite Church in Kitchener, Ontario on June 2.

“Churches can be somewhere warm and comforting and reassuring and accepting, with a lot of hope and aspiration. It was not like that for me when I was growing up.”

Over lunch in her home this summer, Ibrahima shared her life story with me, Thomas Reimer, the pastor at Rockway, and another mutual friend.

Ibrahima was born in Trinidad. She told of a childhood of beatings, threats, secrets and having never been told “I love you” by her family. She was taken out of school at age nine due to their poverty. What her parents did tell her repeatedly was to “stick to your own,” meaning to keep to communities and circles of Black people, and not to trust white people.

At the age of 20, she decided to emigrate to the U.K. On the ship to England, she was raped. When she learned she was pregnant as a consequence of the rape, she had an abortion.

In 1988, after she married, she and her husband moved to Waterloo, Ontario, where she became a nurse. At nursing school she was quick to blame her struggles on racism; in hindsight, however, she says, that was not entirely true. She recalls a professor who helped her fill in gaps in the education she had missed since leaving school, and who pushed her to succeed.

Despite her accomplishments, the pain of her past drew her to addiction. “I remember alcohol—that first drink dancing down my body to my toes.” Alcohol took over her life, particularly after her husband passed away in 1995.

One day, while working as a nurse at Grand River Hospital, she came to work drunk and was suspended. She blamed the suspension on the fact that she was a Black woman on a mostly white staff. “While alcohol was near killing me, I still heard that line: stick to your own.”

With time and a good rehab program, she put alcohol behind her. She returned to nursing and wrote three books about anti-racism and Black experiences.

By happenstance, she became friends with Arlene Groh. Ibrahima says Groh was interested in her writing and work in racial awareness. One day, Groh mentioned she was a Mennonite, something Ibrahima met with curiosity. Groh told Ibrahima that her community would love to meet her, and invited her to church at Rockway Mennonite in Kitchener.

Somewhat cautious, Ibrahima watched an online service on Mother’s Day this past spring. In a Mother’s Day prayer, among the many different experiences of mothers, Reimer included those who had had an abortion. The service was tender, raw and inclusive. Ibrahima says this made her feel like she could belong and that these people, despite being a very white community, were safe.

She met with Reimer and a few others who encouraged her to speak to the church, to share her life story and experiences as a Black woman.

In her June 2 sermon she admitted that as she was driving to Rockway that morning: “I could almost hear the crack of the sticks my parents used… I could almost feel the burning of the leather belt…I could almost hear my parents saying, ‘Grace, you’re going to be seen and not heard.’” She heard the echoes of their mantra to “stick to your own.”

But to Ibrahima’s surprise and delight, the church was a good fit. She says she’s not sure about God or Jesus, but feeling accepted and genuinely welcomed made her feel at home, regardless of her undefined faith.

Reimer says with kindness that Ibrahima could talk for hours; the openness of the church community indicates to Ibrahima that the church would listen for hours.

“Before I went to the church,” Ibrahima says, “I felt as though I had a loose-fitting jacket, unsuited to the weather. By the time coffee was done, I felt as though the people said, ‘This sleeve is too long, we’ll shorten it; it’s a spring jacket and the weather is cold, we’ll stuff it for you. ’ I felt such freedom. A beyond-wonderful experience.” A good fit.

She now calls Reimer “my pastor,” with a wink.

She recognizes that topics like abortion, rape and addiction are often taboo, but she says that making space to acknowledge such realities in our churches “might just save someone’s life.”

Ibrahima knows there are many others out there who have hurt like she has hurt, who are in the depths of pain and addiction, living in fear of judgment. She said to me as I took notes, “Let them know they’re not alone. Trauma grows bigger in those dark places. Once you open the light, and start sharing, that trauma has less power.”

Ibrahima summarizes her experience of Rockway Mennonite with the words of civil rights activist and author Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”